Links
• 
• Air Index
• BingTuDon bing translate
• TastyFaith.com
RSS Feeds
• http://www.aqicn.info/
  • China to restrict US journalists from three major newspapers
    
  • Coronavirus: Pound plunges to its lowest level in over 30 years
    
  • Coronavirus: Hong Kong to quarantine all arrivals from abroad
    
  • Back to school for some in China
    
  • Alibaba's Ma donates coronavirus test kits to US
    
  • Trump angers Beijing with 'Chinese virus' tweet
    
  • Coronavirus: How the pandemic has changed the world economy
    
  • Coronavirus: Life inside China's lockdown
    
  • Mount Everest: Nepal's government shuts off mountain amid virus outbreak
    
  • Coronavirus: China wildlife trade ban 'should be permanent'
    
  • Coronavirus Wuhan diary: Living alone in a city gone quiet
    
  • Coronavirus: Nasa images show China pollution clear amid slowdown
    
  • Coronavirus: Chinese app WeChat censored virus content since 1 Jan
    
  • China Uighurs: Detained for beards, veils and internet browsing
    
  • The anti-Chinese prejudice being fuelled in Kenya
    
  • Coronavirus: On the front line in Wuhan
    
  • China economy: Why it matters to you
    
  • The doctor who tried to warn others
    
  • In 60 seconds: Who was China’s Li Keqiang?
    
  • Violent tornado sends sparks flying on streets of Chinese city
    

• General
• Chenglish
• Kids
• Culture
• Fashion
• Food
• Bootleg

• November 2014
• August 2014
• July 2014
• June 2014
• May 2014
• April 2014
• March 2014
• February 2014
• January 2014
• December 2013
• November 2013
• October 2013
• September 2013
• August 2013
• July 2013
• June 2013
• May 2013
• April 2013
• March 2013
• February 2013
• January 2013
• December 2012
• November 2012
• October 2012
• September 2012
• August 2012
• July 2012
• June 2012
• May 2012
• April 2012
• March 2012
• February 2012
• January 2012
• December 2011
• November 2011
• October 2011
• September 2011
• August 2011
• July 2011
• June 2011
• May 2011
• April 2011
• March 2011
• February 2011
• January 2011
• December 2010
• November 2010
• October 2010
• September 2010
• August 2010
• July 2010

• Login
• Podcasts
• RSS
• Comments RSS

While Snickers, Dove bars and Skittles have found their way into
the Great Vending Machine of China, most other American candies are as
impossible to find here as size nine women’s shoes.

And candy is called tang?

Yes, tang?

The “a” has a fourth tone, going up like a question.

That’s because most of the candy is questionable.

Take for instance, the Chinese favorite, monkey milk taffy.

Yes, it lives up to its name, having the same revolting aftertaste as
a curdling gallon past its expiration date.

Then there are dried candy plums which resemble shriveled
body parts plucked from a prehistoric man.  

No thank you.

Equally as tempting are Chinese street confections. You can
find candied apples and handmade sticky-sweet zodiac characters, guaranteed to
pull out dental work.

Keep in mind, I am someone who finagled free passes to the
international Candy convention in Chicago, where the McCormick Center was transformed into a real life Candyland game. 

Now I am dependent on a  lactating primate to get my sugar buzz?

I don’t think so.

So in my WIRED class (writing for the internet and
electronic devices), I had students write letters to CEOs of various confection
companies, pleading with them to sell their product in the country with over a
billion tongues or ten thousand billion deprived taste buds.

Great idea.

That’s because my students, all born After Google (AG), none who ever knew life
before Al Gore invented the internet, who can’t believe that cell phones
were once used only for talking,  were
able to access emails on the website that top hackers couldn’t  find, like that of the CEO
to Pepsi International and the top banana at Hershey’s.

And for some reason, I was amazed.

I had an email connection as well, a former advertising
colleague who worked on Wheaties. He has moved up the marketing food chain to a
more palatable product.

Chocolate.

I’ll just call him. Deep Wonka.

Students wrote him letters which they checked more carefully than
college applications.

Deep Wonka not only responded, but sent a parcel of American candy
to China.I tipped him off to send it via regular US Postal System. It’s less likely to get caught in customs indefinitely as a FED EX package would be.

The box was more valuable than the Lost Ark.

The booty included chewy Sweet Tarts, Nerds Rope and other outrageous
edibles.

It was the talk of the school.

The funny thing was, once the teens ripped the package open,
they were more excited about recoding the moment than devouring its contents.

After all, it was wired class.

Thank you Deep Wonka!

                               

There’s one thing all kids have in common, regardless of
nationality, test scores, or if they still pick their nose.

They’d all like to see their principal get wet.

Usually, it’s just a fantasy students have while sitting in
the principal;s office writing,  “I will
not flush glue sticks down the toilet” fifty times.

But this time, at Kunming International Academy, it was a
reality.

Mr. Mac was the dunkee at the fun fair’s dunking booth.

There was a long line of shorties wanting to test their
curve ball, hoping to dunk Mr. Mac.

The line was reminiscent of what you’d see at Disney World.

Surprisingly enough, I wasn’t in standing in the line. However, I did subsidize some of
their tickets.

Ok, I don’t know how it happened, but it did.

Durian, the only thing that the bald guy on Bizarre Foods
would rather have his tongue remove than eat. The thing that looks like a spiked football
with edible abscesses inside. 

Well, it has gotten under the skin of my taste buds.

It started with my ESL class students. I have Koreans,
Taiwanese and Hongkongese whose eyes light up when I mention the
word.

“It so delicious!” they say.

I can tell they are not messing with me,  like I do with them, telling them that a
Gherkin Dill tastes like a green jolly rancher.

So I purchased a durian for a student’s birthday.  I had to store it on the balcony in the women’s bathroom and eat it outside. The school, like other places, has a policy prohibiting durian.

After we sliced the prickly skin open, the  students were curious to what I thought.

The texture of my first durian experience was that of a
slimy mushroom. The shape of the edible innards was similar to a small avocado,
with a big lima bean looking like pit inside.

The taste? It had that papaya aftertaste going on along with
a bit of pumpkin and something robust like onion.

So you may ask, what tempted me to try it again?

I don’t know.

I think my taste buds wanted a second shot at deciphering what the heck
hit them.

So in Bangkok, I gave durian a another try.

 In Bangkok, durian stands
are as common as sex toy vendors.

This time,the durian  was like a marshmallow fruit. A real sweet vanilla flavor right from a Willy Wonka movie. The texture was like Lucky Charms after they’ve soaked in milk for a bit.

Even so, I made sure there was no evidence of durian remained on my lips before
returning to the hotel room. Jeff hates the thought of the stuff.

And I knew then, I would need another taste.

Was this really a marshmallow?

Upon returning to Kunming, I needed my Durian fix, I snuck out to the Central city and searched for durian dealerss.

I found a few. I got a rumpled wad of RMB out of my pocket and approached a man who looked like he hadn’t bathed since the fourth of july. He was in an area I’ll refer to as Durian Alley.

My hands were trembling. I tastebuds were going thru cold turkey. 

He weighed the fruit on a hand held scale, charging me about a buck for three slippery pieces and put them in a baggy.

I pulled a piece out, and loaded one into my mouth. But this time, the fruit was mushy like an edible abscess. Imagine expecting to bite into a firm melon and ended up with mushy banana. The texture was so
repulsive, I couldn’t eat it. 

But instead of swearing it off, I found another vendor and gave my tastebuds another exotic whirl.

Jeff says there’s a reason why God put  sharp spikes on it and gave the fruit a smell reminiscent of a forgotten jock strap. “They are warning signs not to eat it.”

But his warnings are falling to a deaf ear. I’m hopelessly hooked.

So, durian is the mood rings of eating experiences. Sometimes, it’s good, sometimes it’s ugly.

I recommend taking your chances and trying it. 

Queen’s Silk, a women’s tailor off of Sukhumvit, whipped my
dress together faster than the mice stitched together Cinderella’s gown. I brought in
pictures of a dress I tried on at the Paragon Shopping Center then picked out a
fabric from their rainbow of colors.

Two days later, I had a new dress.

Here is Bangkok’s Coco Chanel…

With fabulous tailored fashions this quick, no wonder department
store mannequins are left homeless on the street. They are like old transvestite
prostitutes. No one is looking at what they’re soliciting anymore!